Marriages are sacrosanct in our land and expected to last a life-time. The most-trusted institution recently came under a nation-wide survey conducted across 10 metro cities of India. Around 69% of women, questioned as part of the poll, agreed that they marry for stability and security in life. They also agreed that once divorced, the life of women becomes more difficult than that of men.
Yet, women in the country are facing a new set of challenges with new-found financial self-dependence. They are increasingly dissolving the once-considered indissoluble union, defying physical, mental and psychological abuses inflicted on them. Delhi has been considered the Divorce capital of the country with a whopping nearly 10,000 divorce cases fought each year, with a shocking average 10 cases per day. The reason being not only a desire to come out of a soured marriage, which is true only in some cases, but also the new-found desire to be free economically and live in dignity, without restrictions.
A few decades ago, the grounds for divorce were very limited, both for men and women, and divorce was sought only under extremely compelling circumstances. Now, with the rise in the number of cases, the laws of divorce have been made simple, yet with more clauses added. But until now, there was no provision for divorce under the grounds of emotional breakdown of marriage.
The Law Commission has recommended to the Centre that 'irretrievable breakdown of marriage' be incorporated as an additional ground for the grant of divorce under Hindu Marriage Act (HMA), 1955. The Commission, headed by A.R. Lakshmana, has said: "The foundations of a marriage are tolerance, adjustment and respecting each other." The present generation marriage, built mostly on the foundation of economic strength of either side, is lacking in the very ingredient, tolerance. Most marriages now are crumbling not due to physical or mental abuse, but because of the 'breakdown' of regard to each other. Children are the eventual victims.
Setting up a helpline for couples heading for divorce, a Women's Police Station in Ranchi has started counselling services by providing doctors, lawyers and counsellors to the couple opting for divorce, giving them yet another chance to reconcile. Our State's Police Stations could do well to adopt it. At the end, it is in the couple's hand to save their marriages. As Nietzsche says, "It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages" and building that friendship seems to be the ambrosia that could save marriages.
The entire debate on divorce in the land is heavily biased towards the urban scenario. The issue of breakdown of marriages in villages seems to have been sidelined. The victims of soured marriages in rural parts, being unlettered, are worse-off.
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Its a very interesting topic and I have mixed opinions when it comes to marriages and divorces.
I generally classify problems such as this as synthetic (unreal) problems. In the sense that its not really a problem and its well within the human limits to keep such problems away.
At the same time, one may feel offended if I call this "synthetic" if they have experienced such issues in their own lives.
Taking an equivocal stand, I believe in what Mr. Lakshman has to say that marriages are built on trust and not material benefits. In our history we have a great tradition of couples getting bound by religion (I generally dont like to use this word. But, I cant think of anything better at this point in time) during the time of marriage. Where the husband takes an oath that he wouldnt force his spouse in either of the first 3 purushaartha of life( i.e. dharma, artha, kaama). The wife would take 7 steps in the name of illustrious wives (savitri et al.) saying that she would be with him in her entire life. If one has to believe in the oath they take up during their marriage it has to be a combination of the mental preparedness the person has during the time of marriage (which means that they should have a fairly detailed understanding of their spouse) and his respect to the tradition (shaastras).
In the modern times, the youngsters neither respect the shaastras nor do they understand each other in all perspectives good enough. Divorces are bound to increase in the increasingly materialistic world as I believe its a deep rooted problem.
I had the urban population in mind when I wrote the above paragraphs. In villages, its a different story where I accept women are married away atrociously. ( its a result of poverty, illiteracy and brutal chauvanism!!)
Unfortunately I pity the law makers as its hard for them to cover all these conditions.
With respect to religion, both urban and rural people don't give any significance to the oaths they take at marriage. Most won't know the meaning, to them its just a ritual, just a mantra to be recited so that gods won't be angry. To those who do understand, its just understood and forgotten, not implemented in life.
Now, people marry for so-called love, defying everything as think they have done something great, have broken the barriers of tradition. Its true, but I completely agree with what Ayn Rand says of Love, "That love is reverence, and worship, and glory, and the upward glance. Not a bandage for dirty sores. But they don't know it. Those who speak of love most promiscuously are the ones who've never felt it. They make some sort of feeble stew out of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference, and they call it love. Once you've felt what it means to love as you and I know it-the total passion for the total height- you're incapable of anything else."
And most couples run out of what they call love in a few years, and then the disintegration of a marriage starts.
And with love goes the respect and the tolerance for each other.
Rural people never give a thought to emotions, their main aim is as hollow as prestige and duty. Maybe superficial feelings often hide the original and when people start understanding themselves and what they want out of life, its too late.
Ofcourse, if love is a feeble stew thats made of "some sort of sympathy, compassion, contempt and general indifference" its bound to get empty over time!
Easier said than done, its hard to understand each other before marriage. Also, people keep changing with time which makes it much more difficult to strike a common chord.
However, i believe commitment is something that has to happen and remain unchanged throughout the life time.
Its the urge to keep up words and promises which continues to make this world a place for our homes.
Believe me, oaths and promises work!
If you believe & understand that the human spirit is about the supreme Freedom & Intelligence one enjoys, and the ultimate purpose of life is to apply ones intelligence to find ones own goal in life and exercise the freedom to walk the right path ... you may recognize that, marriage, like all other man-made institutions, has its sanctity of purpose and righteous norms. And, again, like all other man-made institutions, is vulnerable to violations, abuse, and degeneration. Just as we need to have the wisdom to differentiate between the notions of a Nation, its Government and the corrupt scoundrels who might be ruling the state at any instance of time, OR, the purpose of God, Religion and degenerated religious institutions, we also need to differentiate between the sanct constitution of a marriage, un-evolved individuals entering into ritualistic relationship and divorces inflicting abuse on innocent kin. Divorce might as well be the last resort of a dysfunctional or degenerative marriage, when all other checks-n-balances fail to help the couple discover the wisdom of marriage. If divorce is an instrument of exercising individual freedom & intelligence in pursuit of higher purpose of life, so be it. If we're concerned about the abuse of this instrument itself, then its one more social issue to assert systemically alongside myriad others.
A relevant current feature ...
http://getahead.rediff.com/report/2009/apr/09/have-you-outgrown-your-relationship.htm
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